


it isn't in my blood

by sintrovert



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Depressive Episode, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 23:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19239073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sintrovert/pseuds/sintrovert
Summary: There are bad days, and then there is today.





	it isn't in my blood

**Author's Note:**

> hello all! this is my first foray into writing for elu that i'm willing to publish, so i hope you like it! 
> 
> tw for depressive episode and negative thoughts.
> 
> title from "in my blood" by shawn mendes because that song really spoke to me when i was going through what eliott is here.

There are bad days, and then there is today. Eliott had known it was coming, he’d been more excitable, his thoughts had been racing, he’d felt on top of the world. Lucas had seen the signs too, and if Eliott wasn’t so keyed up he would’ve recognized the slightly panicked gazes, the placating words, the way Lucas started to prepare for the crash.

 

And crash he did. It wasn’t his highest high but he could debate that he felt the lowest he’d ever felt when he woke up this morning. His limbs are too heavy to move. He has to pee but he can’t even muster up the energy to get out of bed. His head is pounding, his mouth is dry, his eyes are wet because he just feels so miserable. He curls up on his side and just lets himself cry, the only sounds in the room his pitiful sniffles.

 

He jerks when he feels a hand on his back, rubbing soothingly. He’s forgotten Lucas is even here, so wrapped up in how he’s feeling. He hates Lucas seeing him like this, even though it’s been years. He’d gone so long without an episode: his meds were working and he was taking them regularly, and he had a good relationship going with his current therapist. But, inevitably, it happened again. It’s very discouraging, knowing that an episode can strike at any time. He sometimes wants to just say “fuck it” and stop going to therapy, flush his meds down the toilet. What’s the point? But he remembers how good he feels most of the time and thinks better of it. Besides, Lucas would be disappointed in him, and he hates disappointing Lucas.

 

“Hey,” Lucas whispers, his hand still on Eliott’s back, the pressure grounding Eliott, his trembles lessening, “Do I need to call in for you? Tell them you’re not feeling well?”

 

Eliott can’t speak so he nods, trying to stop the tears from flowing while Lucas calls his boss. He’s grateful that Lucas doesn’t hug him, the other man having learned that Eliott doesn’t like too much contact when he’s feeling like this, but instead he just keeps one hand on his back, reaching up from time to time to card his fingers through Eliott’s hair. They stay like that until Lucas absolutely has to get up lest he be late for work. Lucas has also learned not to put his own life on hold when Eliott has an episode. It ends up with Eliott feeling like Lucas resents him, like Lucas is coddling him, and Lucas needs to just go on with his day without worrying all the time.

 

Before Lucas leaves he comes back into the bedroom and places some toast and a banana on the bedside table.

 

“If you get hungry,” he says, “I love you.” When Eliott doesn’t respond he tries not to take it too hard.

 

Eliott spends the day in and out of sleep, finally getting up to pee when it gets unbearable. He nibbles at the toast but feels like he might throw up if he eats any more so he leaves the rest untouched. He tries not to wallow in self pity but as always his thoughts go to “I’m not good enough,” “I’m worthless,” “I don’t deserve love or happiness,” and so on. He spirals. Lucas returns home from work in the evening, knowing he’ll find Eliott right where he left him.

“Hi,” he murmurs, going to their dresser and pulling out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He changes then sits on the bed, consciously not touching Eliott. “Hungry?”

 

Eliott mumbles a “no” and Lucas hums in acceptance.

 

“What do you need from me?” he asks. It’s something he and Eliott have been working on over the years, communicating and being verbal about what they want rather than bottling it up inside or assuming the other knows what they need. This has been hard for Lucas as he has always been one to keep his feelings and needs hidden, preferring to keep to himself. It’s hard for Eliott too, who feels like expressing his needs makes him a burden, especially during a depressive episode. But, communication is key to a healthy relationship, and the two of them know just how well miscommunication can hurt. Hell, they almost didn’t end up together because they didn’t talk. So, Lucas makes an effort to always ask Eliott what he wants, so he can give it to him.

 

“Just...stay here with me?” Eliott whispers, and he knows he sounds absolutely pathetic, but right now he just needs Lucas’s presence.

 

“I can do that,” Lucas responds, and Eliott feels him shift to lie down. “Can I touch you?”

 

Eliott nods almost imperceptibly, but Lucas catches it. He reaches over and runs his hand through Eliott’s hair, which Eliott knows is greasy as all get out, but Lucas doesn’t complain. Lucas plays with the strands at the nape of Eliott’s neck, and Eliott sighs.

 

“I can’t keep doing this,” he murmurs. “It’s too much.”

 

Lucas moves to rub Eliott’s back. He takes a deep breath in. “Eliott, you are so strong,” he starts, and Eliott can hear him getting choked up. “I know it’s hard, love, and I know sometimes it feels hopeless, but you always soldier through. You’re so brave, you go through so much, and you try so hard. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel, but watching you come back each time this happens makes me so proud of you. You don’t give up, you keep fighting.” Lucas nudges Eliott until he turns over, looking him in the eye. “You _can_ do this, you can. You have, and you will. And I’ll be right here with you whenever you need me.”

 

Eliott can feel the tears coming on. Lucas is so sincere, and he can feel the love radiating off of him in waves. Eliott has never experienced this, someone who loves him this much, someone who truly believes in him. Not his parents, not Lucille, no one. So he cries, but compared to the rest of today it’s not tears of despair. He knows that it’s going to be some time before he comes out of this, but he will. And he has his own cheerleader right there, pushing him forward.

 

“Thank you,” he says, and Lucas smiles at him, then presses a kiss to his forehead.

 

“I love you,” he says, and Eliott, for the first time all day, smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter @cheloululu!


End file.
